Boundaries. First of all, why are they always talked about and why are they so important? Why does it matter to have boundaries? I can say one thing, for those reading this that have healthy boundaries because you were pushed to your limit by others violating and crossing your boundaries—you know why they are so important. Most of the time boundaries are finally set when we are pushed to our limit, and then it is almost too late because it is so much easier to set high boundaries and lower them over time then setting low boundaries and having to raise them after they have been crossed or violated. A big misconception people have about boundaries is other people in our lives should know our boundaries without us having to say them; however, if we do not state what our boundaries are people naturally treat us within the guidelines of their own boundaries. Thus, it is important to know for ourselves what is and what is not okay. What we will and what we will not tolerate—because what we tolerate teaches people how to treat us. The most essential thing to explore is, what kind of boundaries do I set for the different people in my life—because truly, not everyone in our lives should have the same boundaries. A way to think about setting different boundaries for different people in our lives is to think about our life and everyone in our life as a concert where we are the show. If we are on the stage—some people are on the stage with us, some people are in the front row, some are in line at will call, some people are waiting for a ticket, and some people cannot enter because it is now sold out. Prior to allowing someone to “buy a ticket,” we want to explore the concept of consistency over time. Is this person who they say they are? How long have I known this person? Is this person safe? Do I trust this person? Anyone can seem awesome the first five minutes we know them, but people need to treat us with reciprocity, respect, and be consistent over time to have the honor of sitting in our front row.
How then do you figure out what your own boundaries are? There are many types of boundaries, which I will discuss later, but how do you know what you will and will not tolerate? It is usually much easier to answer what an unhealthy boundary is or what an unhealthy person and/or relationship looks like, but what about the everyday interactions we have with others? We might be so used to focusing on the needs of others, afraid to say no and say yes to everything we do not even know what are boundaries are. When this happens, we often have porous boundaries. With porous boundaries we might overshare information; not be able to say no; are overally invested in the problems and lives of others; tolerate abuse and disrespect; fear rejection if we assert ourselves and our own needs; or are dependent on the opinions of others without trusting our own judgment. Having porous boundaries can depreciate and destroy self-respect, self-compassion, self-esteem, and perception of self-worth overtime. We lose our sense of empowerment and lose trust in ourselves because we allow everyone on the stage. Not only is everyone else on our stage but they completely take over the concert so it is all about them and there is no balance or reciprocity and mutuality in the relationship. On the complete opposite side of the spectrum there are rigid boundaries, which can be just as dangerous because they prevent meaningful relationships from occurring—no one can buy a ticket to see our show. This is dangerous because humans are social creatures—we are literally wired for connection and rigid boundaries prevent connection. When someone has rigid boundaries, they are unlikely to ask for help; avoid intimacy and deep relationships; very protective of personal information; has few close relationships, if any; keeps others at a distance and may appear detached.
What then are healthy boundaries and how do you figure it what your boundaries are and how to set them? This is one of the hardest questions to answer because we have to truly know ourselves, which is a lifelong process causing our boundaries to change over time as we learn what we will and will not tolerate. First, healthy boundaries are basically in the middle of porous and rigid boundaries. They are the “just right” porridge in the Goldilocks story of boundaries. When someone has healthy boundaries they value their own opinions; does not compromise their values for others; shares personal information in appropriate ways; knows their personal wants and needs and can communicate them (it is one thing to know our needs but another huge skill to learn to be able to communicate them); and accepts when others say no to them. In order to learn what our boundaries are and how to be able to communicate them in a healthy way we first need to tune into our emotions. As I have said in previous posts, emotions communicate to ourselves, communicate to others, and motivate us for action. When we feel uncomfortable and uneasy our emotions are communicating to us something does not feel right and we are not currently comfortable with these boundaries for this interaction. When trying to explore and identify our own boundaries, we want to ask ourselves what we are feeling and what our emotions are trying to tell us. Emotions will communicate what we need to attend to—like what interactions need higher boundaries, and what we enjoy—so what boundaries we need to continue to set. Additionally, tuning into our thoughts is key to understanding our boundaries. What are we telling ourselves after spending time with someone? Are they decreasing our self-worth? Making us doubt our judgement? Noticing and tuning into our thoughts can help us discern our boundaries. We can also ask others—we can become investigators into how others set and understand their own boundaries in order to get an idea of how we can set ours. Lastly, one of the most important factors to understanding what our boundaries revolves around our values. We want to get a clear understanding of our own values because values are highly correlated with healthy boundaries and we want to aim for our values to be congruent with the kind of boundaries we set when they are healthy. When we start to learn our own values more, we can set boundaries which honor our values. A word of caution: if we have had porous boundaries in the past and begin to set healthier boundaries, expect resentment and resistance from others. However, remember they will adapt and we are not harming anyone by saying no and taking care of ourselves and our needs by setting healthy boundaries. Moreover, if individuals do not respect our boundaries, they do not deserve to buy a ticket or even see our show.
So, what are the different types of boundaries? Generally speaking, boundaries are personal rules, limits, or guidelines we set for how others are allowed to treat us. If you are feeling confused by boundaries and how to define them, you are not alone and sometimes it is easier to define boundaries when they are violated or crossed. There are so many types of boundaries: physical boundaries; intellectual boundaries; emotional boundaries; sexual boundaries; material boundaries; and time boundaries. But what the hell does that mean? Physical boundaries feel easy enough to define, and in this particular climate it is respectful to assume everyone’s physical boundary is a six-foot in diameter bubble. The other ones are a bit more complicated. Intellectual boundaries refer to thoughts and ideas. Healthy boundaries allow for respect of different thoughts and ideas and this boundary is violated when our thoughts and ideas are belittled or dismissed. I would additionally argue this boundary is violated when someone repeatedly states they do not feel comfortable discussing certain topics and the person they are talking with continues to bring up those topic completely disrespecting the stated boundary. Emotional boundaries revolve around our own feelings. This boundary is about what we feel comfortable sharing and how we share it, and with who. Often this boundary is violated when others belittle, invalidate, or discount our own emotional experience. Remember, emotions are communicating to us about the environment—so when someone is discounting our own emotional experience we need to investigate where we might need to move this person in our personal boundary concert. Maybe they were in the front row and overtime they continue to violate and cross our emotional boundaries so they need to be put in the backseat, and that is 100% okay to do. We can change our boundaries with people in our life over time.
When it comes to a healthy romantic relationship, sexual boundaries are imperative to set and maintain and have a transparent dialogue of mutual understanding and respect for each person’s identified sexual boundary. This boundary refers to emotional, physical, and intellectual aspects of sexuality. This boundary is violated when unwanted touch occurs, unwanted pressure to engage in sexual acts, leering, and inappropriate and unwanted sexual comments occur.
Material and time boundaries are often discounted as not as important; however, not having a clear understanding of these boundaries can create significant resentment in our relationships. Material boundaries refer to our money and possessions, and healthy material boundaries involve a clear understanding of who we share our money and possessions with and if it is under our control. For example, it is most likely appropriate for us to lend money to a family member but not someone we just met this morning. This boundary is violated when someone steals or damages something of ours or pressures us into giving them something or lending them something when we do not feel comfortable doing so. The last boundary I will discuss is one of my favorites to set and maintain—it is the boundary of our time. How do we value our time? Are we an introvert who needs to spend more time alone to replenish our energy or do we like being around people more? What are our priorities and how to we manage our time? We know this boundary is being violated when someone is demanding (or making us feel guilty) to have too much of our time and more than we feel comfortable giving. Healthy time boundaries revolve around acknowledging every facet of our live and being able to balance what we give our limited supply of energy in the day to in order to have enough for the things most important to us. This boundary quickly gets violated from those in our lives when we struggle to say no.
The biggest takeaway from this is: Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is caring for ourselves, valuing our sense of self, valuing our time, learning to say no without making up an excuse because no is a complete sentence, and truly empowering ourselves. Boundaries are self-love, self-compassion, and highly correlated with self-esteem and a high sense of self-worth. AND if someone gets upset when we set a boundary, it is a necessary boundary to set, and they will adapt or we might need to set higher boundaries. Normally when we set a boundary and others become reactive, we can feel guilty. However, if others are truly trying to make us feel guilty, I would argue it constitutes emotional blackmail and gaslighting behavior. We are allowed to say no, we are allowed to value our own opinions, time and judgment—and it is not okay for others in our lives to feel entitled to violate and cross our boundaries.